Thursday, 04 September 2008
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Currently Listening
The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack
Pray For Me
see relatedYou can lead him to the ambulance
"How many times undone can one person be as they're careening through the facade of their favorite fantasy? You just close your eyes slowly, like you're waiting for a kiss, and hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this, but none comes at first and little comes at all. And when inspiration finally hits you, it barely even breaks your fall. Who were you then, and who are you now, now that you can't pretend that you can figure it all out? Subtract out the impact, and the fall is all you get. So, it takes two beers to remember now and three more to forget that I loved you, so yeah. I loved you, so what. So what."
So, I finally broke down and wrote back to my cousin, sparing no details like she asked, and I'm not expecting a reply back. The frist thing I wrote about was lesbianism. Heh. I went in chronological order, so it was the first thing that happened since I talked to her last. Then, of course, was the stint in the happy home. How wonderful. As I was reading over the letter before I sent it, the only thing I could think was...holy shit. The past 7 years of my life summed up in four fucking paragraphs, and I hated every word. I just thought about everything that had happened. Is it the same thing if you hated doing something compared to if you regreted doing something? Because I sure as hell hate some things I've done or gotten myself into, but I'm not sure I regret them. Whatever. I don't need more things to think about.
That's all I do at work. Stand up at that goddamn hostess station and think. Occasionally, I doodle in the reservation book, which is fun and kills time, although I think my doddles give the other employees questionable impressions of me. They tend to be really random. The other day was tree day. I had a green pen, so I figured what better to doodle with a green pen than trees? Fruit day happens often. I draw fruits of the world...and label them. One day, Mary drew a big dog face on the whole page. That was special. See. Another reason I need a new job. This whole paragraph.
I'm in such an odd mood. There are so many different feelings racing through me, and they're all just mixing into this big, grey nothing. It's like I can't get ahold of any one feeling. All or nothing. I have not liked today. Something about it was just off, besides the part where I had to see a penis at fucking McDonald's because some crazy asshole decided to expose himself to Chelsea and I. We told the manager, and she got some chick to kick him out, but not before he also exposed himself to her. I don't know why they didn't just call the cops.
Yay for pay day on Friday.
Later, my loves.
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