Thursday, 11 September 2008
-
Currently Listening
Building Nothing Out Of Something
By Modest Mouse
Medication
see relatedYou're just a rock to me
"Travelling, swallowing Dramamine. Feeling spaced, breathing out Listerine. I'd said what I'd said that I'd tell ya, and that you'd killed the better part of me. If you could just milk it for everything. I've said what I'd said and you know what I mean, but I still can't focus on anything. We kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves. Travelling, swallowing Dramamine. Look at your face like you're killed in a dream, and you think you've figured out everything. I think I know my geography pretty damn well. You say what you need so you'll get more. If you could just milk it for everything. I've said what I said, and you know what I mean, but I can't still focus on anything."
I've become so apathetic towards people. I just don't care. It's been progressively increasing. People tell me stories or things that are happening, and I do the obligatory sad face, say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'That's a really hard thing to go through. You're strong for sticking with it.' or whatever the words happen to be for the situation, but inside I feel nothing. I don't feel compassion or empathy. I don't feel much of anything anymore. It's not so much numb as it is calloused. There are four people that I sympathize with, and even with them, it's changed. I mean, don't get me wrong, I care about all of them deeply, and I care what happens to them, but something's shifted. I don't know how to explain it. I've never felt this closed up, cut off from emotion. Some days it takes everything I have in me just to drudge up feeling for anything. The funny thing is, I'm not depressed. I know what that feels like. I've been there enough to know what that does to me and how it makes me feel, so I know it's not that, and it doesn't bother me that I feel nothing for other people. At all. It's whatever to me. I'm still deciding if it's a good thing or not. I'm sure it's not like a fantastic super thing, but I don't mind not caring. I'm happy with only four people in my life that I care about. This is all probably one of my strange, unconscious self-defence methods to save me from my anger. Eh. So be it.
Hopefully, depending on what happens tomorrow when I call this person or what happens with Zach, I'll have a car soon. Thank the lord Jesus. Amen. I'm thinking I'm gonna apply at Borders. I could do the work. They're hiring all shifts, so that's cool, and hey, 14 dollars an hour. Count me in. There are a few options I'd like to explore. I just know I need to get out of that restaurant before I end up biting Robin's head off, which could be very soon. Guess how many hours I had this week. Just take a wild fucking guess. 8. Yup. 8. When I saw that on the schedule, I died a little inside. *sigh* I have to pee again. I am a peeing machine today. Christ.
Modest Mouse.
Later, my loves.
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment